I have often told expecting mothers that the one thing they need to expect is not all the traditional things that the books talk about - the sleepless nights, the rocking, the feedings, the changes...no. What do they need to expect? They need to expect that they will feel guilty. All the time. The ONE THING nobody EVER told me before I had my kids was how guilty I would feel! Sometimes a lot more, sometimes just barely there, but always there. It doesn't matter why. It just is - whether it's because more experienced friends are chiding you for not dressing your baby warm enough - or too warmly, whether the woman in the mall is giving you dirty looks because you can't soothe your wailing baby, whether it's the Early Intervention team telling you for the first time that your toddler has a problem that you didn't notice, whether people turn up their noses because you don't live in an area with the best schools (gasp! what will happen?), whether your child isn't reading at the same level everyone else is (I didn't spend enough time reading with him!)...doesn't matter how small or big, it's always there (and I can add about 100 things to this list!).
As a Mom, I would like to think that I do the maximum I can for my kids, but I don't. Some days I am tired and let them watch TV for 2 hours. Some days I have a short temper, and instead of patiently trying to calm them down, I yell. Some days I don't cook and we eat take out. Some days I feel like a complete and utter failure to my older son, who has some delays. Some days are better than others. Some days I have a lot of energy, and teach them about whatever is in their path. Some days, I sit with my son and ask him to read to me, and teach him. Some days I play games with my kids. Some days I color with them. Some days I advocate for my son with all my might. Those are the good days. I have them too. So why do I always feel so guilty?
It would be easy (and probably right) to partly blame a society which surrounds us with images of granola mothers feeding their babies homemade organic food, cloth diapering, and home-schooling their kids. It's just impossible to feel we measure up to these images. But really, the other, more important part that I can blame is the part that I can control - myself. I need to be able to neutralize all of these inputs coming in and start to get back to what feels right to me as a person, which is balance and moderation, and also forgiveness. My husband is a great advocate of balance, both in theory and in practice and I really believe this is a great way to live - not too much to either extreme. He also believes in forgiving yourself. After all, we're only human. His view -
Guilty about take-out or cereal for dinner? We cook home meals a few times a week, send fresh fruits and veggies with our kids to lunch every day, and otherwise have a very healthy grocery list. Not bad.
Guilty about not noticing your child's delay? Well, at least you sought help. At least now you know. At least you are doing something about it now. It wasn't on purpose. You're a new Mom. You would do anything and everything to help your child through this. That's what matters. Who says anyone else would have caught it sooner?
Guilty about not sending your kids to the best schools? There are good schools here, with good special ed programs. The kids have great recreational programs here. They have lots of friends. It's a great community. Living in this area allows us to fund after school enrichment activities instead of living hand to mouth.
Guilty about him not being at the same level as other kids? (And here, I have to say I agree with him). He says "You do your best". And I do. There are some things I compromise on, but this is not one of them. He also says "Don't compare your child to anyone else". I have become a lot better at that too.
I am learning to live with my efforts, and realize that although I am not always engaged with the kids and doing the maximum I can, I can't be. I need to recharge, too, after working full time morning and night. If I don't recharge, I can't: cook, be patient, teach, play...and do all the other things I love doing with my kids, even if it's not all of the time. I am also learning to forgive myself. I wasn't born a parent and my beautiful children teach me more and more every day about how to be a better one, and in fact a better person. But there's a difference between knowing this and really letting it free me of my guilt.
It's a slow process, but I am learning to entrench my husband's view in my mind and neutralize all those perfect images and words coming at me from "society". I don't know if I will ever rid myself of my guilt, but I am certainly going to try to lessen the feeling.
